Ninja Walletsnatcher Needs New Linens and L Passes

So...medical bills update: I got one of the ambulance companies to cut what I owe them in half. On the condition that I pay it in full in 30 days. They will not under any circumstances set up a payment plan for the reduced amount. Full amount of reduction now, or really full amount of everything over time. So, I got excited for a hot second and then they busted my bubble like the dream-squashers they are. What part of "indigent" do they not understand? And if they can just slash it in half on a whim like that, why in the shit-hell does it COST THAT MUCH IN THE FIRST PLACE? I tried to get the lady to tell me why, if no one performed any sexual favors, the base rate without mileage or anything else included for the ambulance was $1400. She, for whatever reason, did not find that question appropriate. I asked her what the difference is between the "Basic life support services" on one bill, and "Advanced life support services" on another. She had nothing for me. I don't think I made a new friend on that phone call. 

At some point yesterday, my wallet "disappeared." I have no idea when this happened, or how. My theory is
that it was done by some sort of transit-bound ninja that has a thing for home furnishings. I was going to go to the social security office yesterday, so I had EVERY possible piece of useful identification in my purse. That was asking for it, really. I think thieves can smell that shit from a mile away. When I am out, I carry my purse over my shoulder, which means that the top opening is nestled securely under my armpit. The side pockets are zipped and facing in toward my side. My wallet is like a brick, and is in the main section of the purse. The last time I saw said wallet was yesterday, at approximately 11:00 a.m. I was at a coffee shop across the street from Millennium Park. I paid with a credit card. I did not set anything down anywhere. No one was standing anywhere near me. I did not sit down. I got on the bus. It was not crowded. I sat with my purse on my lap and my elbows clamping it shut while I facebooked and tweeted neurotically.
That's kind of an embarrassing admission and realization.
Huh.
I met up with a group of people, the majority of whom I know, but a few of them I did not. my purse was closed and in between my feet the entire time, BUT THEN, I picked up the purse, and put it on my chair, and my friend said something to me. I turned for a minute, maybe two minutes, butt-to-purse. My butt was literally touching my purse-handley-strap thing. In order for someone to have taken my wallet out, they would have to move the other purse-handle, reach in, move my water bottle, grasp and remove the wallet. With me physically touching the purse and half a turn away from seeing them. In a room full of people, in full view, in broad daylight. At fucking noon on a Tuesday. But this is the only point in the day that my purse was not in my full view and fully protected, so this is the only time I can put together that it would have happened. Ugh. Anyway, from here I went and got coffee with said group of friends. So if it was one of these people, it is highly likely that the offender looked me dead in the eye and smiled and chatted right after stealing my fucking identity out of my purse. I didn't know yet, though. I went on about my business for another hour and a half after leaving Sbux, and then I got a phone call about a fraud alert on one of the credit cards. I was all, "That's impossible, I have that card right he-MOTHER FUCKER!" They got $200 in Trader Joe's gift cards, Starbucks gift cards of some random amount, my Massachusetts ID (which by the way was HELL to get god damn it), 2 other photo IDs, a printout from the social security office with my SSN on it, 2 credit cards, my birth certificate, and a ton of other stuff that would be useful to still have but is not nearly as important as the legal documents that lend themselves to identity theft.

And do you know what they did with the credit cards? They went and bought redline transit passes, several transactions worth, to the tune of like $150. Then they went shopping at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. THEN they called a homeboy in PA and tried to let them use the card, but that wouldn't go through and the game got busted. Bummer, dudes. Seriously, y'all, if you had asked nicely I could have gotten you some nice fluffy towels and some pots and pans and bath beads and shit. I probably even know some people that would have given you rides places or something, but nooo, you had to go and be a walletsnatcher.

So, I got to go file a police report last night, and call and put fraud alerts on everything, ever, in my life. And now I have to get new ID and SS card, and all that garbage, for easily the third time. That's okay though, this is probably some sort of a karmic repercussion for something. I should not have had all of that stuff with me, so easily accessible, and I should have paid better attention. Plus, who steals someone's credit cards and goes shopping at Bed, Bath, and Beyond? I couldn't even really be mad last night. It was just too funny.