Saturday, September 3, 2011

Alli-oop! And Then My Ass Exploded

I was dressing for a job interview the other day, and I went to pull some pants on. I knew they were going to be a bit tight, but I was thinking at worst I would have to shimmy, suck it in, and be a bit uncomfortable.
I got them to my knees, growled a bit, and shimmyhopped my way back out of them, getting my feet stuck in the inside out legs in the process. I tripped and nearly smacked face first into the dresser and knocked out all my teeth. Then I grabbed another and got them up to just below my butt. Right below. I just stood there looking over my shoulder at this bubble butt I didn't know I had. I looked kind of cartoonish standing there like that. It didn't seem to make sense the way these things were (not) fitting me.
Recently, I have gained the equivalent of my five year old self a little weight.
In trying to determine what to do about this, I remembered a time in the not-so-distant past when I thought it would be a good idea to give alli diet pills a try.

I had been taking them for a few days when I went to my friend Heather's house after work. She is notorious for taking forever to the point of what-in-the-shitting-hell-are-you-doing-in-there to get ready. I was waiting impatiently, looking at this long framed sequence of pictures of us being drunk assholes adorable and funny together, when it just so happened I needed to fart. Nothing dramatic. Just a little one, you know, in my friend's living room. No big deal, right?

Little did I know.

I don't know if you've ever heard the term "alli oops" but at this point, I hadn't. You're probably thinking I let out a huge stench bomb, or rattled the windows, or perhaps if you expect the worst from me, you've come to the conclusion that I shat my pants. Would that it were that simple, my friend. Would that it were.

My eyes wandered to pictures of flowers and whatnot on her wall, and I shifted my weight ever so slightly, in anticipation of the tiny little fart I felt coming. I was anticipating a dainty "pfft," if anything at all. Maybe "whsh." As soon as my cheeks parted, my eyes shot open wide with alarm.

Panic, as I realized something had escaped my asshole. Something that was not a "dainty" anything. It felt like a small amount of liquid. "Terrific, I just sharted,"  I thought. Or maybe, "ACK! SHART! RUN!" I slammed my ass shut as hard as I could, and went waddle-sprinting up the stairs to inspect the damage.

I can't stop laughing at this child. Every time I look at it.

I cannot explain to you adequately the horror that awaited me in my pants. First let me say that I was still wearing my uniform, which was in part khaki pants. I hate khakis. I think perhaps .0001% of the population looks acceptable in these punishment pants, but this is irrelevant at the moment. I took the pants off, I looked, and what did I see? Curiously, a small orange spot, located directly around the asshole area. I looked at it suspiciously, and went to clean myself up. Apparently the slamming shut of the ass was effective while the pants were on, because while the pants sustained minimal damage, I was a fucking mess. I should also mention at this point that the unsettling orangeness smelled like... I mean, 'reeked of cabbage' and 'smelled of hot sick' don't even begin to cover it. My eyes were watering. I was essentially covered from waist to knee in a mess of bright orange oil, and wipe as I might with toilet paper, I was basically just rearranging it. I kept frantically trying to make it GO AWAY, but it just wouldn't. It was horrifying. Eventually, I got in the tub and cleaned myself up, ever thankful that this happened at the house of a friend, and not on a date (which is absolutely something that would happen to me).

Heather was still blissfully taking her time getting ready, unaware of my plight. She didn't seem to hear the waddle-dash up the stairs or anything. When I finished cleaning myself up, I hand washed my pants, and flung them over the shower. Then I came FLYING out of the bathroom and down the hall to Heather's room, flinging the door open.


Heather: Why are you yell--Why aren't you wearing any pants?

Me: I. I just...Ijustshatmypants?


Me: HAHAHAH--Hey, fuck you. Give me some pants.

Heather: Where are yours?

Me: ...hanging in the bathroom.

Heather: Sick.

Me: Yeah, I made cave painting inspired designs all over your walls with them. It looks great. GIVE ME SOME FUCKING PANTS, DICKMOUTH. And do NOT tell anyone about this or I will give you a permanent, ear to ear smiley face.

Now here I am telling the whole blogosphere. Err...the five people that read my blog.

I found out later that this is a common side effect when taking alli. It is sometime referred to as "alli the anal leakage diet pill." They recommend wearing dark colored clothing and possibly pantyliners. Supposedly this can be avoided if you cut your fat intake to some percentage I can't remember right now. Basically, the reason alli helps you lose weight is that it makes you shit out the fat you eat instead of your body absorbing it. I'm pretty sure I didn't have anything fatty, because I don't think I was eating much at all at the time. Ay, I don't know. I have since read all sorts of horror stories of "alli oops"es... but that term makes it sound too cute. Nothing like the hot toxic bright orange ass river of doom I experienced.

Any diet horror stories out there? Pants pollution?


  1. I am sharing this story on twitter.

  2. I read that side effect and put the box of Alli right back on the shelf where I found it. Much to my benefit as this post shows. I'd rather be fat than have anal leakage. Had a friend on this stuff. All she ever ate was dried up breast of shriveled chicken and now I know why.

  3. A true 'alli' would never make oil shoot out of your ass... That stuff is misnamed.

  4. There just aren't enough blog posts like this one out there. Fucking hilarious.

  5. I found this blog entry via Lisa Galaviz (waving hello to Lisa up there) and I nearly shat my pants laughing. This blog entry is my Alli.

  6. I've lurked in the Diet Aids aisle at Walmart occasionally, fondling the Alli box and weighing the pros and cons of "Losing weight" vs "Shitting out the hot toxic orange river of ass doom." So far the fear of Ass Doom has won over. I'm already pee a little every time I sneeze, cough, or fall down... God help me if I added sharting to my repertoire.

  7. HAAAAAA!!!! This is hilarious. I, too, have thought about the Alli.... now I shall think of it in another manner....

  8. Holy Grilled Cheezus! That's a funny story! I have never tried alli and probably never will now. I have sharted twice in my life and both times I was sick, but I was only home one of the two times. I was at work the other. Let's just say there wasn't a working bathroom at the time so I had to drive home while sitting in my own filth! Fun times.

  9. I never had any issues like this, but I was only able to keep on Alli for like two weeks before the consequences for my bowel movements got to be just too much to take. The rough part is that it took ages after I stopped taking it for things to er.... return to normal.

  10. I just laughed so hard that I cried, peed a little, scared the bejeezus out of my sleeping cat, and disturbed my husband so much that he stopped playing this video game to come read your post. Seriously, there is mascara streaming down my face. Thank you for that.

    I tried Alli a few years ago, but it never did anything like that for me. I was also terrified of oilybungholioitis, so I cut most of the fat out of my diet.

  11. I just read this to my chick....she was on Alli years ago n always had tummy issues while taking it. One morning she made her usual hour drive to work. As soon as she parked her car at work she had the urge to fart but it "wasn't ready to come out" well with her shitty (ha) luck she dropped her keys as she stepped out of her car. When she bent over to pick them up....squiiiiiiiirt! She was lucky to have found a grocery bag which she threw on her seat & she hopped on and drove home. Her boss was mad. The pants stunk up the house & she says there was orange crap that ran passed her knees. She stopped Alli then and cannot remember what she ate the night before.