Friday, November 26, 2010

Demented bankrupt teen-aged amputee zombies

Day 06→ Something you hope you never have to do.

For whatever reason, this one has taken me a million attempts to write. There are a lot of things I am not endlessly thrilled at the prospect of facing, but in every struggle there is a gift of some sort, so I have been struggling with how to answer this. Every fucked up thing I have faced has taught me incredibly important things that I very well may not have learned any either way, whether I realized it at the time or not.

So...The first things that come to my mind when I think of things that would top the list of "Damn, that would really suck out loud..." are, in no particular order:
- Facing dementia, in myself or anyone I love
- burying a child, or having a child face difficulties I am powerless to change
- bankruptcy
- having to repeat ANY part of being a teenager
- paralysis or limb amputation

Monday, November 22, 2010

Sneaking Suspicion of Inspiration

Day 05→ Something you hope to do in your life.

This fucking writing project is EXHAUSTING.
I'm being extremely dramatic, but seriously, I kind of feel like I've been doing it forever and I'm what, 1/6th of the way through or something? Coooooool guys.

I read a related quote the other day, the origin of which I can't recall. Something like 'I once wanted to change the world, now I just hope to leave the room with dignity.' That's a little depressing. What I hope to do in my life is touch the lives of others. I want to help people. I have been fortunate enough to have fallen flat on my face and been hurt badly enough to swallow my pride and let those that were kind enough to lend a hand help me back up. Those people have forever changed my life.

It's all a little bit awkward when you're with me :D

Day 04→ Something you have to forgive someone for.

Like I said, I'm not a grudge holder, but I get randomly mad about the weirdest shit.

When I'm sitting down with my hair up, and someone bumps into my messy bun thingy, causing my head to jerk rapidly from side to side, it makes my eyes pop wide open and causes me to want to jump out of my chair and turn around and punch whoever just did it in the kidney. Seriously, I briefly picture it in my head every time that happens. I think this might be slightly excessive, which is why I just picture it instead of doing it.

When someone walks at me on the street, (you know, when it usually makes you both do that retarded this-way-that-way-oooh-which-way's-it-gonna-be shuffle) I stand completely still and look them dead in the eye with a completely blank face, and wait for them to choose a side instead of doing the tard shuffle. I'm not sure why I react this way, I just do. It seems to scare the crap out of people. Even people that are significantly larger than me. They just don't like it.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Can You Kiss Your Own Butt?

Day 03→ Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Stellar segue. Wasn't I just talking about forgiveness? Yes, I think I was. Bravo, me.

I have to forgive myself for not living up to my own expectations...which it has been brought to my attention are super-human. That might sound poncy, but I swear on a stack of scrabble dictionaries, the thoughts and feelings I automatically have in reaction to not getting things exactly right the first time are ridiculous. I put an insane amount of pressure on myself. In some ways this is good. It inspires in me a fierce determination, and has led me to achieving most of the goals I have set out to reach. The main problem, however, is that when I am thinking like this, I usually can't give myself credit for the achievements. The first few years I was dancing and in color guard, I could give a beautiful performance that got a wonderful audience reaction, but if I didn't execute the choreography perfectly I came off of the stage furious with myself, ruminating about how stupid whatever I did was. On top of that,

Friday, November 19, 2010

Jibberjabber Forgiveness, blah blah Dinosaur

Day 02→ Something you love about yourself.

I would have to say I dig my ability to forgive. I am a very empathetic person, and as such it is almost impossible for me to hold a grudge. I am not perfect, there are certainly times when people just piss me off and my anger lingers for a while. In most situations, I try to put myself in the other person's position and to imagine not what I would do, but being them, and what it must have been like to do whatever they did. What led up to it, and what the motivation was. It is rarely an actual personal attack when someone does something that harms me.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Ninja Walletsnatcher Needs New Linens and L Passes

So...medical bills update: I got one of the ambulance companies to cut what I owe them in half. On the condition that I pay it in full in 30 days. They will not under any circumstances set up a payment plan for the reduced amount. Full amount of reduction now, or really full amount of everything over time. So, I got excited for a hot second and then they busted my bubble like the dream-squashers they are. What part of "indigent" do they not understand? And if they can just slash it in half on a whim like that, why in the shit-hell does it COST THAT MUCH IN THE FIRST PLACE? I tried to get the lady to tell me why, if no one performed any sexual favors, the base rate without mileage or anything else included for the ambulance was $1400. She, for whatever reason, did not find that question appropriate. I asked her what the difference is between the "Basic life support services" on one bill, and "Advanced life support services" on another. She had nothing for me. I don't think I made a new friend on that phone call. 

At some point yesterday, my wallet "disappeared." I have no idea when this happened, or how. My theory is

I Never Get Sick and I Always Have the Answer

Day 01→ Something you hate about yourself.

I hate how difficult it is for me to show my real self to others. I have a tendency to keep people at arm's length, if not much further away. I have a very strong desire to be close to them, but I usually keep that to myself, because I never want people to know that I want anything from them and *definitely* not that I need anything. I am working to correct the misdirected thinking I have that my having perfectly normal needs somehow makes me weak. I mean, god forbid anyone know I'm human or anything.

The hardest things for me to say are "Help me," and "I don't know." Sometimes a tractor couldn't drag them out of my mouth.

If I am sick, I will deny it and deny it and deny it (to everyone, including myself), until I pass out or projectile vomit

Upcoming Events

I have started at least 10 new blog entries, and I can't seem to finish them. Up to my standards, anyway. I'm having some blockage issues (yum). I was recently linked to 30 days of writing prompts by Craig, and I think I'm going to give them a try. Writing about these subjects publicly on the internet kind of scares the bejeezus out of me, but I suppose that's part of the reason I want to do it. Here they are, in case you want to do it yourself. Or salivate expectantly for my impending updates.

30 days of truth:

Monday, November 8, 2010

The hospital sent me a bill demanding a pound of flesh. I think I can work out a payment plan.

America, what is going on with our health care system?

For all of the hot air being blown around about health care reform, there hasn't been much change, has there? A lot of commotion, sure, but real progress? Massachusetts has taken some action. They decided to tackle the widespread coverage aspect before quality of care and manageable costs, but they have made a significant difference in the percentage of individuals that have coverage statewide.

Coverage or not, reform or not, this is not my primary beef with health care.

Text insults from a doody-head

Why is it that so many people lack class?

I suppose what I mean to say is, why do some people have terribly poor communication skills. i.e., often resort to "hitting below the belt" in order to illicit some sort of reaction and regain a sense of power or control. Get real, y'all. This is how little-ass kids interact. Oh, you took my play-doh, so I'm going to call you a puke-face or a doody-head and kick ya shins. Unfortunately, it seems that many of us don't leave these habits on the play ground.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

First swipe and the fallout that follows

I was always kind of a nerd when I was in school, or at least presented as such. I was an honor student, I read classic literature for fun, I liked learning. I kept to myself more than other kids, I was a little bit of a suck up, and I was quiet most of the time. My "awkward phase" just ended like a year ago. I always got terribly upset when people were angry with me, and wanted to fix it immediately. I knew I wanted to go to college by the time I was like 4. Basically, I really wanted to project this kind of golden-child image. I wasn't really a golden-child, but I did try. At the same time there has always been this sort of weird dichotomy with me. This geeky, conformist presentation on the outside, with this sneaky, anarchist, middle-fingers-up hostile chick lurking around inside of me and popping her head out every once in awhile. It kept things ... eventful, to say the least. Until I addressed the problem and worked on merging the two. There are many examples of how this played itself out, but I was just thinking about one in particular.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Bend Over and Cough

I went to the doctor today; a new one. I fucking hate doctors.
I hate them out loud.

I went ahead and told this doctor, Ross, when he walked in. "Just so you know, I hate doctors, and I'm probably going to challenge everything you tell me." His face was all, "Uh, nice to meet you, too." He took it well, though.

He was very soft spoken. I have mixed reactions to soft spoken people. Depending on the situation, I either want to give them a hug or break dey jaw. With him, I was kind of neutral. He asked me the usual battery of questions about my past, family history, progressively more uncomfortable and personal topics. Hoss then did this thing that a lot of doctors do, which is one of the reasons I hate their faces off. Subtle manipulation.