Saturday, September 3, 2011

Alli-oop! And Then My Ass Exploded

I was dressing for a job interview the other day, and I went to pull some pants on. I knew they were going to be a bit tight, but I was thinking at worst I would have to shimmy, suck it in, and be a bit uncomfortable.
I got them to my knees, growled a bit, and shimmyhopped my way back out of them, getting my feet stuck in the inside out legs in the process. I tripped and nearly smacked face first into the dresser and knocked out all my teeth. Then I grabbed another and got them up to just below my butt. Right below. I just stood there looking over my shoulder at this bubble butt I didn't know I had. I looked kind of cartoonish standing there like that. It didn't seem to make sense the way these things were (not) fitting me.
Recently, I have gained the equivalent of my five year old self a little weight.
In trying to determine what to do about this, I remembered a time in the not-so-distant past when I thought it would be a good idea to give alli diet pills a try.

I had been taking them for a few days when I went to my friend Heather's house after work. She is notorious for taking forever to the point of what-in-the-shitting-hell-are-you-doing-in-there to get ready. I was waiting impatiently, looking at this long framed sequence of pictures of us being drunk assholes adorable and funny together, when it just so happened I needed to fart. Nothing dramatic. Just a little one, you know, in my friend's living room. No big deal, right?

Little did I know.

I don't know if you've ever heard the term "alli oops" but at this point, I hadn't. You're probably thinking I let out a huge stench bomb, or rattled the windows, or perhaps if you expect the worst from me, you've come to the conclusion that I shat my pants. Would that it were that simple, my friend. Would that it were.