Saturday, September 3, 2011

Alli-oop! And Then My Ass Exploded

I was dressing for a job interview the other day, and I went to pull some pants on. I knew they were going to be a bit tight, but I was thinking at worst I would have to shimmy, suck it in, and be a bit uncomfortable.
I got them to my knees, growled a bit, and shimmyhopped my way back out of them, getting my feet stuck in the inside out legs in the process. I tripped and nearly smacked face first into the dresser and knocked out all my teeth. Then I grabbed another and got them up to just below my butt. Right below. I just stood there looking over my shoulder at this bubble butt I didn't know I had. I looked kind of cartoonish standing there like that. It didn't seem to make sense the way these things were (not) fitting me.
Recently, I have gained the equivalent of my five year old self a little weight.
In trying to determine what to do about this, I remembered a time in the not-so-distant past when I thought it would be a good idea to give alli diet pills a try.

I had been taking them for a few days when I went to my friend Heather's house after work. She is notorious for taking forever to the point of what-in-the-shitting-hell-are-you-doing-in-there to get ready. I was waiting impatiently, looking at this long framed sequence of pictures of us being drunk assholes adorable and funny together, when it just so happened I needed to fart. Nothing dramatic. Just a little one, you know, in my friend's living room. No big deal, right?

Little did I know.

I don't know if you've ever heard the term "alli oops" but at this point, I hadn't. You're probably thinking I let out a huge stench bomb, or rattled the windows, or perhaps if you expect the worst from me, you've come to the conclusion that I shat my pants. Would that it were that simple, my friend. Would that it were.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Let's Give Them Something to Talk About

When I was younger, I lived in a much smaller city.

A smaller city with a lot of big mouths, or so it seemed to me.

I kept hearing gossip about myself, and it started to get on my nerves. Instead of starting a fight with someone, or trying to combat whatever was being said about me that was not true, I decided to liven things up a bit. I started saying crazy things to plant seeds that would cause rumors. I wanted to see how long it would take to get around, and how much ridiculousness people were actually willing to believe (and repeat!).

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Conversation, Robbery, Dinner, and a Movie [updated]

Remember when I wrote about the ninja wallet-snatcher? Well, I have since encountered a fingersmith that puts said thief to shame. I went to Argo Tea (which generally I find to be a lovely establishment) last night. I was meeting a woman for one of those awkward is-this-a-date-or-just-a-friend-thing-things, and I got there a bit early on purpose to screw around on the internet...and be there first, because being early makes me feel some sense of control for absolutely no reason in situations like this.
She got there and we started talking and after about ten minutes she commented that the table we were sitting at was vibrating and it was really loud, and suggested we move. FINE. There goes my false sense of control. She was right though, we were practically yelling at each other and the table was shaking visibly. So we moved upstairs, to a table right by the top of the stairs, and I put my bag where I thought it would be safely stowed, under the table, between my legs and the wall. We proceeded to get to know each other a bit. She's an elementary math teacher, she sings and plays guitar, she is from D.C...normal, normal, teehee whatever..bla, bla, Ex-wife.


Monday, January 3, 2011

Don't Worry, I'll Be Fine

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

I could definitely live without pretty much anything that is non-essential to my physical functioning (food, water, etc.) and general well being (clothes, shelter, etc.). Seriously. I have no doubt in my mind that if I was for some reason dumped in the wilderness, I wouldn't curl up next to a rock and cry until something ate me or I died of starvation. I would figure it out, do what I needed to do, and survive by whatever means necessary.
There are a lot of things I would certainly prefer not to go without (a modicum of safety, comfort, internet, cellphone, bla bla), but I'm sure I could get by without those. I'm really just typing my thoughts out loud here.
You know what I could certainly live without that I don't even want to think about giving up because it makes me feel squirmy?

Mi corazón consiguió una nueva actitud

Last summer was a swirling mass of insanity. There was a period during which I didn't know whether I was coming or going, and I was very isolated. I went to the beach one day with a woman I was meeting for the first time, named Sandi. It took a some convincing, as I didn't want to leave the house. On the walk there, she was talking about how she had been "seeing hearts everywhere." I looked at her out of the corner of my eye and thought, "That sounds like a personal problem. I bet they have a medication for that."
She busted out her iPhone and started showing me a bunch of pictures that she had taken. She had cracked an egg into a pan and it formed into a heart. She cut a cucumber and the center was heart shaped. She looked up at the sky and saw a heart shaped cloud. I said, "Hm," very non-committally, thinking that must be some combination of cognitive bias and availability heuristic, but trying not to blatantly be an asshole about something she was so obviously excited about.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Car Accident After a Fight

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

'What do I do?' What kind of a question is that?
First, what happened? Is my friend just rattled? Are they hurt? Did they die?
If it was something serious, or even if it was minor and they called me to talk about it, I would immediately forget whatever petty nonsense we were fighting about, and do whatever I could to help. There is nothing so important that I would sit around being a stubborn asshole and ignore my friend. Life is too short for that.
No, I would not even begin to be ridiculous enough to entertain the self-centered notion that it was somehow my fault that the car accident happened. I am not that powerful. I can't cause car accidents with my mind or some harsh words, last I checked.

Crumbs are not satisfying; mealtime is not sexytime

It just occurred to me that my fear response seems to be installed improperly. Well, maybe it was installed correctly but is malfunctioning.
In my last relationship, I remember my partner saying, "I feel so safe with you," repeatedly. I felt the same way. For absolutely no good reason. Actually, despite mounting evidence that I should probably be grabbing my shit and running for the hills (out of my own house, no less), my brain still kept saying, "You love her. Stay."  I would get blindsided by something that really hurt my feelings, time after time, have a moment of clarity that our relational patterns were twisted, and then get interrupted by my own brain. No, no. You should stay. Y'all love each other.