Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I Never Get Sick and I Always Have the Answer

Day 01→ Something you hate about yourself.

I hate how difficult it is for me to show my real self to others. I have a tendency to keep people at arm's length, if not much further away. I have a very strong desire to be close to them, but I usually keep that to myself, because I never want people to know that I want anything from them and *definitely* not that I need anything. I am working to correct the misdirected thinking I have that my having perfectly normal needs somehow makes me weak. I mean, god forbid anyone know I'm human or anything.

The hardest things for me to say are "Help me," and "I don't know." Sometimes a tractor couldn't drag them out of my mouth.

If I am sick, I will deny it and deny it and deny it (to everyone, including myself), until I pass out or projectile vomit
in a totally inappropriate setting. When I was struggling with depression, I kept it to myself and almost drowned in my own head, instead of talking to someone about how my own thoughts were strangling me. That almost killed me, and that's not the only situation where not asking for help has put me in a great deal of danger. I would say that this is a result of outrageous pride, and I do think pride is a factor in this equation, but more than that I think it is fear. I have the preconceived notion that if I ask someone for help, it won't go well, and I will feel worse than I did before I asked. I think that they will say no, or tell me that what I think is a problem is stupid, and I should suck it up and move on. Be a man. The truth of the situation is that when I was offered help and accepted it, a hundred doors swung wide open. I'm forcing myself to ask now (even if it is just in little ways it is a step in the right direction) and actually this past week has been a prime example of this. I was just talking about it this morning. I have found even in this short period of time that when I open my mouth and say what is bothering me out loud to someone else, it gets so much more manageable. It's like when I keep things in, they start growing and morphing into something far bigger and uglier, but talking about it takes away a lot of the power and girth. It helps me get perspective. Sometimes I will think something sounds reasonable when I am thinking it, but upon hearing myself say it out loud, I realize it is completely preposterous. This is also a way to chip away a little of that distance between myself and another person.

No one likes being wrong. I'm no exception. I won't have a tantrum or anything if I don't get a trivia question right, but if you ask me a question, I have a nearly pathological desire to give you some sort of an answer. If I ask you a question, like, "I have this problem and..." most likely it won't be phrased as a question, and after I finish stating the problem, I will supply my own solution as if I don't want your help and was just thinking out loud. This shit is totally obnoxious. It's also 'default' behavior that I'm trying really hard to change because now that I am aware that I do things like that, when I hear it coming out of my mouth it makes me cringe.


  1. Hi Jen. I think it's awesome that you decided to give this writing project a go. I have learned more about you in this one post than all the others combined. And here is the kick in the side of the head. Most of what you have written here you could have written about me and perhaps thousands of other people. Don't get me wrong. That is a good thing. It is an excellent thing. By being open about your flaws you give me permission to let down my guard a bit and concede that I am flawed as well. I NEVER ask for help. I am so afraid of failure that I would rather do nothing. I deliberately avoid people so that they never get to know me. And yes, the big one. Earlier this year I suffered a three month long suicidal depression that I am still recovering from.
    The thing is that for all the things that you hate about your self, or are afraid of, you are surrounded by people that do understand and share similar experiences. The courage you have shown In writing so openly warrants generous portions of my respect for you, and gets it.

    Not that you asked for it or need it. But because you deserve it.

  2. Thank you for sharing about yourself, as well. :)