Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Maybe a baby will fix it

Day 07→ Someone who has made your life worth living.


Frankly, it was not until frighteningly recently that I actually knew for a fact that my life IS worth living. I had a truly terrible self image, and had gotten caught up in this self-defeating thought loop stemming from asking, "What's the POINT of all this?" and concluding that there was none. I was a philosophy major. Spending too much time thinking about if free will exists and a table is a table can fuck your shit up, for real. Also, some of the people that were around me just killed way too many of their brain cells and started spouting off with amazingly idiotic comments. ("Oh my GOD what if I'm like, just a figment of your imagination or like this entire planet is actually just a speck in some huge creature's fingernail or something?!"
Right. Smoke some more pot. Do you also have a conspiracy theory to share?) When you convince yourself that you are completely worthless and undeserving, life is pointless, and nothing you do really matters, it makes for a pretty bleak outlook. You can imagine that arriving at this conclusion did not exactly fill me with enthusiasm and zest.

Many people helped me get out of that dark place and change my thinking, but ultimately, I was responsible for reclaiming my life and making it a life worth living. I can't just sit around and hope for the people around me to make things the way I want them to be. I have to work for it. For me that means constant work. I am not a person who is naturally inclined to be happy. I am naturally inclined to be angry, irritable, and depressive. I have to watch out for these feelings to come up, and rid myself of them as they come, instead of clinging to them and letting them weigh me down. When I do this successfully, I literally feel physically lighter. My head feels less cluttered. My thinking is clearer.

A "life worth living," to me, means being present in the moment. I've spent a lot of my life in my head. I don't know about you, but My head is a dangerous neighborhood that I shouldn't venture into alone. I used to think that it was a useful skill to be doing one thing and thinking about ten others. It's not. All it does is make you crazy. It deprives you of the ability to get everything you can of what you are doing when you are doing it. For me, it also contributed to my feelings of isolation. It was like I had some sort of thought wall between me and other people.

Being present in the moment also means enjoying what I have now instead of despising it and waiting for the next thing to come along. Like, oh things will be better when I get a job. Things will be better when I move. Things will be better if I get a puppy. Maybe things will be better if I have a BABY. No, things will be better when I take a look around me and am grateful for what I have. I am incredibly blessed to be where I am with what I've got. That doesn't mean everything feels awesome all of the time, but the more I struggle against reality, the less worth living my life will be. I work hard, I try to do things that are helpful to others and good for me, I try to remember to reach out for help when shit gets rough , and try to remind myself how lucky I am on a regular basis. Whatever problems I'm having, in the grand scheme of things, are not that big of a deal. I have food and water, and a warm place to live in a safe neighborhood. Even if I had a fucking obnoxious day, I had a day. I was alive and breathing, and if I'm really lucky, I'll wake up tomorrow and be able to give it another go.


  1. You just know that I am going to say this. I studied philosophy for about ten years. The thing that I realised about all those quoted fuckers is that none of them ever developed an idea that we would call useful. All of them took pleasure in making you doubt both yourself and the things around you. Subjective philosophy is not, and will never be, a functional or useful tool for evaluating our world. Neither is pure Objectivity. I am personally fond of Rational Objectivism as a primary position but I make alterations to accommodate functionalism. I also make room in my thinking for the unfortunate fact that other people are always going to be fucking idiots regardless of their chosen philosophical position of the day. ( Inconsistant philosophy.) The only philosophy that I prescribe to now is the Philosophy of "I". I dont give a fuck what they think because I still have to make progress in my life. And that is the only thing that matters.

    It is such a coincidence that you wrote this post now because I am just about to publish a post that speaks to a similar theme of being present in the moment. It is an extract from my 'psychological crisis' writings during the dark months.

    Ps loved this post.

  2. Why am I not surprised you studied philosophy?

    Great minds think alike. ;)