Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Lesbians can't impregnate each other, stupid.

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

If I got someone pregnant, I would be quite confused and probably feel like I missed something in biology class. Preeetty sure I didn't, otherwise I know a whole lot of lesbians that would be popping out puppies left and right. And I would probably already have a mess of children by now. Awkward.

This is what it looks like when I type something that makes me uncomfortable.

If I got pregnant, I am not sure what I would do. I just spoke about this with one of my cousins recently. I hope that if I ever found myself in this situation, I would be able to remove my desires from the equation as much as possible, and make the decision that would be most beneficial to the little one. While I do not judge anyone else that has had or would have an abortion, it is not something that lines up with my personal code of ethics, so it would probably not even cross my mind, barring a very unusual circumstance. This is simply what fits for me.

The only situation I can possibly imagine considering terminating a pregnancy (I totally hate this phrase because it makes me picture Arnold Schwarzenegger blasting my uterus with a rocket launcher or something and then threatening his imminent return in his thick accent) is
if I learned that the child would have incredibly severe physical deformities that would leave little to no possibility of any quality of life. Even if I became pregnant as a result of a situation like sexual assault (and I have carefully considered this), I believe that in the absence of that type of medical threat, I would carry the child. I can't help but have compassion for babies-that-might-be. I was one once, and so were you. None of us choose how we come to be, and I think everyone has an equal right to be brought into this world, regardless of the circumstances of conception. That being said, I also completely respect that this does not fit for everyone, and don't have a single expectation of anyone else to adhere to my ethical standards in regard to this topic or any other, unless it directly concerns the safety and well-being of myself or those I love. I have a lot of compassion for people in general. I'm (possibly excessively) empathetic, and have zero difficulty imagining things from other people's perspectives.

I could have been aborted. Not theoretically, it was actually suggested, and I'm not saying that with anger, it is just to give an idea of why I can't see myself ever making that decision. I am also a survivor of such an assault, so I can identify with the incomprehensible degradation and shame, and have considered the feelings that might accompany a pregnancy resulting from this. I can certainly understand how and why someone would make different choices than I would in this situation. Your body already feels completely invaded, taken over, stolen. Now there's a fucking person growing in there that you didn't ask for, expect, want? These situations are genuinely tragic.

As I mentioned previously, I would try to make the least selfish decision possible, which I know would be very difficult. I would definitely look to friends and family for support. If this happened right now in my life, as much as it pains me to say, I think raising the child myself would be selfish. While I am happy with where I am and where I am going, my current circumstances are not appropriate for parenting a child to the best of my ability, or even to the point that I would be comfortable doing so. When I have children, I want to have a modicum of sanity and stability in my life. I am too transitional right now.

I am in the process of learning how to properly take care of myself. I haven't historically been very good at that. Sure, I can feed and clothe myself, and keep up appearances, but at the end of the day, how is my spirit? Am I a 'human doing,' or a 'human being' (I kind of want to punch myself for typing that, but I'm leaving it.)? I spent most of my life on fast forward, trying to get to the next thing, applying constant pressure, thinking that if I just accomplished enough, pleased enough people, if I did everything 'just so'...then I would finally be happy. I buried my feelings, stomped them down, and kept running. I didn't realize that if you don't feel the unpleasant ones, you can't feel the nice ones either. I never took the time to look around, see where I was, take a deep breath, and appreciate it. Just for what it was. To be in the moment. I need to get more comfortable with that before I can include an impossibly precious little one in my life. I can't teach anyone something that I don't have myself, and I don't want to pass on any of the pain I carried around for so long to a wide-eyed, innocent little baby that deserves unrestrained joy and laughter.

I'm not sure how that would play out. My first thought is open adoption. That way, a family that was prepared to care for a child would have that opportunity, and I would still be able to possibly be a part of their lives at some point, so that it was known that I didn't choose adoption out of lack of concern for the child, but rather quite the opposite. Perhaps something would work out so that someone I know could take temporary custody, and I could come around regularly and take on full responsibility when I have my shit more together. I don't know. What I do know is that I am really glad that this is all hypothetical, because I can say and type this til I'm blue in the face and the cows come home and the height-weight-disproportionate lady sings (just thought I should throw in a leetle PC to fuck with your mind), but things are totally different in the heat of the moment.

P.S. I really love parentheses, if you haven't picked up on that. I need them. I actually talk like that in real life; I have a really hard time finishing sentences without adding in little tidbits about other things sometimes.

1 comment:

  1. It's like we're related or something. Odd. I too have the crazy parentheses love. LOVE. (Seriously)

    You're very self-aware and thoughtful. I love that about you.