Friday, October 29, 2010

Cold Feet, Warm Boobs. [Updated]

I want to make myself a cordless electric Snuggie, and not take it off all winter. I am picturing myself landing an office job and taking phonecalls in said Snuggie, and hailing a cab, or grocery shopping. The possibilities are endless. Take your Snuggie to Work Day. I like the sound of that.

I am such a pansy about cold weather. I have a sudden nap-attack, and leaving the house takes about 400 times more effort because I'm all lethargic. I have been known to stuff those little shake up hand and foot pocket warmer thingers in various places throughout my outfit. I'm not above putting two or four in my bra. I love them. I would date those things. I decided I need ski underwear, and am now on a mission to get some. I don't have an appropriate pair of shoes at the moment, and am still wearing flip flops around. If one more person asks, "Arn't yer feet cold?" Ugh... Subsequent inquiries will be met with a flop to the face. The worst part about wearing flip flops in the winter that I have discovered is that it makes you a foot-fetishist magnet of epic proportions. Since everyone else has their feet safely nestled in the warmth of their boots, my poor, unsuspecting leg-bottoms have been eyeball raped by every creepy hoof-lover in chicagoland.
Some of them have actually been bold enough to verbally molest them. One fine fellow last evening would NOT STOP telling me how pretty he thought my feet were, and was actually following me around after I got up to ditch him to explain why he thought so. If he had said one single word, anything even hinting at, his gnarly mouth being anywhere remotely near my feet? Lawd Jesus help me, he woulda come up missin'.  

I am a little extra pissed about the cold setting in this year because I thought I was still going to be living in Southern California, and that the closest experience I would have with snow would be seeing it on television. That is the kind of winter I want. Palm trees, sunshine, maybe a cool breeze every now and again. There is a slight chance I'm not living in the right place for that to happen right now. My plans have been made and broken so many times, and changed so dramatically, that in some situations I feel like I should tell people I'm a flight risk.

Snow reminds me of my grandmother. We were pretty close, especially when I was little. For some reason, I very clearly remember this day when I was about six and we were sitting on her blue and white striped couch, watching her VHS recording of the week's episodes of General Hospital. It was the day after the first big snow of the year. At the end of the tape, she turned to me and very excitedly said, "Are you ready?" I said, "Yeah!" with a big smile on my face and hopped off of the couch, tripping all over myself trying to get my high-tops on and get out the back door. I didn't put on a coat, I just went outside in my stretch pants and shirt. I skipped down the stairs of the deck, turned around to face my grandmother, took a big deep breath, and screamed at the absolute top of my fucking lungs. A blood curdling, there is a murderer hacking up my family; this might be the last sound that ever comes out of me scream.

Meanwhile my grandmother smiled and took a photograph, and then praised me for a job well done. This was what we had come outside to do. I screamed so hard all my neck muscles tensed and my face turned bright red; she captured it for future generations. Either that, or she stole a piece of my soul and I wasn't aware of it. I still have the photo. It's in an album I put together a few years ago.

I'm still not sure what the exact point of this little exercise was, or why I was so excited about it, but from what I remember, it definitely had something to do with the first snowfall of the year. Maybe it had something to do with primal scream therapy..? I've asked several family members over the years if they have any insight into the meaning of this. So far it remains a mystery, but as far as weird shit that happened while I was growing up, this is incredibly tame. That much I know for sure.

When I wrote this, I didn't know there WAS such a thing as an electric Snuggie...but of course there is.
Introducing "The Toasty"


  1. I am truly stunned, and a little envious, that you have managed to find your voice so quickly. Your last three posts are significantly different from previous posts. What has changed? And look, you have FIVE followers now. You're totally kicking some blogging ass.
    PS. Did you catch Allies live drunken post. That shit was inspired.

  2. You are too kind. As far as change, making fun of my past usually keeps me in material for ages.
    I did see Allie's live post. Now THERE is someone who kicks blogging ass.